Showing posts with label middle school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label middle school. Show all posts

Monday, February 8, 2010

This weekend I learned that the church choir experience is completely revolutionized through the addition of a neck pillow. Reverend Gomes, you are a lovely man, but your sermons are very long.

After years of struggling to pithily describe the majority of my high school classmates in a way that doesn't:
  • involve ethnic stereotyping ("guidos")
  • inspire the listener to turn the claim back on me ("JAPs")
  • sound too douchey / loaded for people who actually know their Marx ("lumpenproletariat")
  • seem better reserved for describing the Five Towns ("nouveau riche")
  • seem inaccurate since most people do go to college ("townies")
I finally learned the perfect word for summing up my hometown - chavvy.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Valley Stream pride

There's an escaped lunatic on the loose in Valley Stream State Park. Or possibly an escaped kitty-cat. One of those.

I'm reading in the park, around 6 pm, and a helicopter passes overhead. And again, lower. And it quickly becomes clear that it is circling the park at low altitude. Since a string of ninjas didn't come out the drop door, it seemed safe to assume they were looking for someone.

Near me, a guy in a balaclava (also known as a ski mask) was practicing parkour. A balaclava. Mid-day. Mid-June. While exercising. Definitely a terrorist.

After a half hour, I head out. The entrance to the park is blocked by a police car, and a few cops are at the gate. I know for a fact that the other 7 entrances aren't being watched. I try to head back in to investigate, but they aren't letting people into the park now.

"You guys do know that the other entrances are open, right?"
"We're looking for someone we think is in this area."
"..."

The park, mind you, is maybe a mile around. So because I'm a punk, I bike around the outside of the park and re-enter from another entrance. Because no one ever taught me not to make fun of police officers. The other entrances are all open, as I'd thought, though one is being watched by a couple guys in South Shore Hospital uniforms. Undercover men. Or someone escaped the psych ward.

Back inside the park, two more cops are staring at the trees. There's a trail in there. The entrance to the trail is around a bend from where the cops are standing, out of their sight-line. Okay. Meanwhile, balaclava guy has fled the scene.

At the first entrance, another guy is questioning the cops.
"It's not the crime of the century or anything."
"Oh okay, so it wasn't violent."
"I didn't say that. You move along now."

I'm figuring those darn kids stole Baby Lindbergh from the manger again.

Eventually I got bored of watching my tax dollars at work. Nassau County police are the highest paid in the country. Way to earn it, guys.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

1:41 am on the LIRR

Announcement upon changing trains at Jamaica:

This is the train to Long Beach. Ladies and gentlemen, as part of our Clean Train Campaign, please be aware that there are restrooms located on every other car of this train. With the combination of alcoholic beverages, fatty foods, and the rhythmic motion of the train, please remove yourself to one of the restrooms if you feel the urge to yak. The next station is Locust Manor.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Sober Train


I spend a lot of time on the Long Island Rail Road and, as such, I am constantly running for trains and dodging random high school acquaintances who somehow always seem to remember significant details of my biography. Sample conversation:
Person I've Never Seen Before In My Life: Oh my god Liz [Surname]! How was Harvard? Do you still play the cello? I heard you went to South Africa awhile back, how was that?
Me: Hey... you.
I appear to have been inexplicably famous. Or just really, really recognizable (the hair's usually a giveaway).

Anyway, there is a benefit to my LIRR dependency - namely, the Saturday night 1:42 am train out of Penn Station. Because it is hilarious. Much funnier than the 3:07, by which point everyone's sobered up in an hour of waiting around the train station, the 1:42 provides endless amusement in the form of underage intoxicated persons sharing their wisdom with those fortunate enough to share their train car.

I present you with a rough transcription of the highlight of a recent ride home:

A young man, probably 18, is standing at the head of the car. A half dozen of his friends, representing various levels of consciousness, lie in the surrounding seats. Our hero is singing.
YOUNG MAN
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! Eeeven thooough I'm a Jeeeew!
I shall spare you the remainder of his song, for it would be impossible to fairly transcribe his truly impressive feats of "making six words fit in the the space of one". Suffice to say, after several minutes, he ran out of the song, and began extemporizing instead. I wasn't ever quite able to hear the responses from his more lungpower-deficient companions - our hero, however, never failed to maintain a more than satisfactory volume.

YOUNG MAN
You didn't know I was Jewish? Oh man I am so Jewish. I don't believe any of that shit though, like the God stuff.

FRIENDS
[inaudible]

YOUNG MAN
Yeah, that's right, I'm an atheist. Total atheist. Ayyyyyyyyyyyy...theist. I like being neutral, you know? I don't just pick a side to be controversial or whatever, I look at both sides of an issue. I don't wanna say I'm a Republican or a Democrat, I'm neutral, i'm an Independent. And I'm not religious, I'm an atheist, cuz I'm fucking neutral.
My religion has a first name, it's A - T - I - E - "Est"!

FRIENDS
[inaudible]

YOUNG MAN
What? Oh yeah, of course I believe in God. Whatever. I just don't care about that religion shit, because it's shit! I don't like picking sides, you know? I don't, like, think there's no god or anything, I just don't want to be part of any religion, so I'm an atheist.

FRIENDS
[inaudible]

YOUNG MAN
Yes that is what it means! What, is there another word for it?

HELPFUL GENTLEMAN DOWN THE TRAIN
Yes, "agnostic."

YOUNG MAN
That's it! Thanks man! I love you! I'm totally agnostic!

ME
::facepalm::

Monday, December 22, 2008

Errata



I just noticed that in a post a few weeks ago, I wrote the following:
Excerpted from a letter I wrote to Quentin this evening (so, Quentin, don't read this or I'll have wasted 32 cents.)
32 cents? Really? What decade am I living in?

The answer is "1995-1998." Seems appropriate, actually. And the price of stamps has gone up a dime in a decade? Well, that explains why y'all aren't getting Christmas cards this year. You know, that and other reasons.

And if I actually did put a 32 cent stamp on that letter to Quentin... well, he should probably pop into his DeLorean to pick it up in 1996 then. And maybe go to a Spice Girls concert while he's there.


[re the stamp in the picture: "Perry! I'm married now!" "Mary Ellen! I'm gay now!" Good times]

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

google manipulation

This is a bald-faced attempt to increase the standing of my NY Times letters when people google my name, because right now the first page is all io9 stuff and that's less shiny.

Why Big Bird Matters
The Girls Next Door

Aiming for College, or for Life?
The Regents Exam That Failed
and, what continues to be my most controversial contribution to the internets:
The X-Files; A Botched Romance
(srsly, the vitriol that followed that letter... it was awesome)

Monday, September 8, 2008

RENT - A Tribute

Yesterday marked the last performance of the original production of RENT.

Cue a plethora of headlines – 948,600 minutes of RENT; twelve seasons of love; the RENT is past due, taking out a new lease on the Nederlander; RENT can't pay the… well you know.

Like many of you, I adored RENT. And then I couldn't stand it. And then I learned to love it again. I memorized the La Vie Boheme litany when I had no idea who Sontag and Sondheim were, let alone Antonioni, Bertolluci, Kurosawa. (Bertolluci is the one with the free salad and breadsticks at lunch, right?) I haven't even listened to the soundtrack in years – don't need to, it's all still in my head, permanently imprinted with other unnecessary but irremovable information like X-Files episode titles and the first 50 places of pi.

There were other generation-defining rock musicals before RENT, and have been others since, but this one is ours. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to say our goodbyes.

For people of a certain age and inclination, the original Broadway cast album of RENT is indelibly wound up in the memories of middle school (or, if living more than an hour from Manhattan, high school). You knew every word of the score – five miso soup, four seaweed salad, three soy burger, two tofu dog platter, and a partridge in a pear tree. You filled bus trips with obnoxiously loud RENT shout-a-longs. The lyrics of No Day But Today adorned your agenda book, your cargo bag, your invitation to that one kid's Bar Mitzvah, and your profile for your first AOL screenname (MiMiLuv98 or ~RENT525600~). You probably didn't stand in line overnight to snag $20 front row seats on a biweekly basis, but that one girl from your high school did, and you would have joined her if you were cool enough and your parents allowed it.

And in the manner of adolescent fads, about a year after you discovered RENT you moved on, to Les Miz and Phantom and whatever show your school was doing that year, or perhaps to Aerosmith and 98 Degrees and the other favorites of the Z100 Morning Zoo, leaving RENT behind for the next class of 8th graders to discover.

Why did we love RENT so much? Surely we didn't identify with the characters. We were middle class white kids from the suburbs. They were, variably, HIV-positive queer minority druggies – but let's not forget that our p.o.v. character, Mark, was a straight Jewish boy from Scarsdale. They fought back against the encroaching front lines of East Village gentrification – we were just barely old enough to remember the death throes of old Times Square, to remember navigating the Scylla and Charybdis of 42nd street, the beggars and the garbage heaps.

The show itself was an instant period piece, dated the minute Larson set down his pen. The characters are hastily drawn – a stripper with a heart of gold, a drag queen with a heart of gold, a filmmaker with a heart of ice. The tacked-on happy ending is inauthentic and maudlin. A cynic could even trace the hype to the bottled lightning that accompanies a sudden and tragic death right before opening (see The Dark Knight, broken box office records of).

But it was also the first mainstream musical with queer principals that wasn't about queerness. Everyone wanted to do Take Me or Leave Me in the talent show with their best friend, and was surprised when the school objected because it's about lesbians. The characters may have been drag queens and coke fiends and performance artists, but all that meant was that they were outcasts, just like we were (what 8th grader isn't an outcast in some way?). And RENT is above all about outcasts building their own communities. About being an us, for once, instead of a them.

I don't think 7th graders are listening to RENT any more, not the way we did, but there are a number of other shows competing for their attention – courting those repeat audiences with rock songs and themes of social stigma and acceptance. Certainly Wicked, highly enjoyable if rather bloated, occupies the old RENT niche these days, particularly among sullen-faced adolescent girls who are not especially populer(lar). Spring Awakening draws fans with its excellent score and attractive production, though I shudder at the Very Special Episode book and the lyrics resembling the emo poetry of a Wicked fan. High School Musical likely belongs here as well, but because I still haven't seen it (I know, I know), you'll have to insert your own snarky dismissal here. Other current contenders include Legally Blonde, whose composer might get it right on his next try, and the upcoming Thirteen, about bar mitzvahs and indulging Jason Robert Brown's semi-pedophilia.

But I can judge these shows only as shows, and not as the catalysts of future middle school nostalgia – for me, that role was filled years ago.

The memory of RENT belongs to all of us former RENTheads, diverged as our paths and tastes may now be. We share the ghosts of lyrics half-remembered from another life, the astonishment at recit spoken as dialogue in the movie, the bond of singalongs and basement productions past. This family tree's got deep roots, and a little thing like a closing production can't touch them. We don't rent emotion – we own it.

Viva la vie boheme.