people over thirty shouldn't be allowed on facebook: a case study

In college, I was the president of the Harvard Pops Orchestra. This guy Eric was the founder of the group. He's thirty-something, married with a kid. I met him just once, at our big anniversary concert my senior year. But we haven't gotten rid of him since.

Mostly, he facebook stalks me, my co-president Ben, and our successor Mary Ellen, and leaves all sorts of annoying and inappropriate messages. For instance, Eric once criticized Mary Ellen and Ben for having too many pictures together on Facebook, since Ben has a girlfriend and all, and people might get the wrong idea.

Mary Ellen gets the brunt of Eric's weirdness, because she is far more interesting to stalk than me or Ben, and we always get a good laugh out of it. But today, the force of Eric's weird psychosis was focused on me.

I received the following message this morning. Note that I have met him exactly once.

From: Eric D.
Subject: a random thought

Liz--I'm a very honest and open person, and it takes people a little aback at first, but in the end they accept it about me.

I was looking at your pictures, and, you know something? You're pretty cute. You really are. And you know something else? (Here comes the honesty:) You would look even cuter with just a touch of plastic surgery. My wife had it done, and she's never looked back. Your twenties is a period where you should be dating like crazy, figuring out exactly the type of individual you want to spend the rest of your life with. You deserve to feel self-confident about your looks, not listing yourself in your profile as "Jewish...look at me." I personally think you're an amazing person, so I really do hope you take this the right way. Just know you've got a fan and friend in your corner...you can hit me later.

Sincerely,
Eric


It's like a checklist of offensiveness. Bonus points for anti-semitism and insulting your own wife!

Any ideas how I can make this guy into one of those internet micro-celebrity douchebags?